I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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