can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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