I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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