I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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