I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
