he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
