Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
