does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
