I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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