yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
