I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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