He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Hippo gnu deer
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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