people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
