why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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