I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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