When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
