im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
