i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We're too hungover to prance.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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