UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
