Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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