I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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