god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Randomize
