I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
