I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
