i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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