i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
