Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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