I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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