i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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