I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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