i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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