Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
