I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
