paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Let's get the cat blown out
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
