and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
