I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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