haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
