I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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