Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The power of my boobs compel you
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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