Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
