dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
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I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
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I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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