am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish there were birth control emojis
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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