Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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