I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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