Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Randomize
