The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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