what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
