my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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