I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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