i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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