I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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