It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
