Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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