It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
