I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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